Dustin's Phindex, Month Three

Units Phin received of blood: 1

Of platelets: 1

Consecutive days of chemotherapy: 5

Sedations: 1

Spinal taps: 1

Biopsies: 1 Bone marrow aspirations: 1

Bandage changes: 6

Days hospitalized: 21

Number of stuffed animals Phin insists on having in his bed each night: 26

Number of waffles Phin has consumed: >30

Number of chocolate milks: 25

Number of days into this round before a nurse caught Dustin polishing off one of Phin's unfinished chocolate milks, as is his custom, and said, "Oh! Oh, no. We've been putting his laxative in that": 7

Days since Neesha and Dustin returned for Phin's third inpatient round to discover the coffee machine in the parent kitchen broken: 16

Number of coffee pods in the box that Neesha and Dustin deposited in the parent kitchen for the other parents to use in the Keurig coffee maker that is serving as a replacement until the coffee machine gets fixed: 48

Approximate number of minutes between there being about 60 coffee pods left in the box Neesha and Dustin brought and the box that another patient's parents brought, and there being a just couple of empty boxes: 10

Number of occasions when the thought of some fellow parent hoarding up all the coffee pods from the parent kitchen provoked Dustin to unleash a fiery tirade about natural liberty vs. civil liberty from John Winthrop's 1645 "Speech to the General Court" and how "this is exactly what's wrong with the world today" on some nurse who only came in to get Phin's vitals: 1

Likelihood that someone taking all the coffee pods from the parent kitchen is "exactly what's wrong with the world today": <1%

Probability that whoever took the coffee pods assumed that they were provided by the hospital, not by other parents, and thought, With as much as I'm paying for this hospital stay, I'm grabbing all of these. They're lucky I don't take the furniture": >0%

Number of times before now that it has occurred to Dustin to wonder who provided the coffee that went in the coffee machine he used untold dozens of times before it broke several weeks ago: 0

Portion of days during Phin's current inpatient visit when housekeeping personnel were unable to perform their duties because a blanket fort had rendered large sections of his room inaccessible: 1/8 

Approximate number of laps that Phin takes around the pediatric specialties unit on his bike each day: 10

Percentage of the five games of Battleship Phin has played in which he adopted the curious strategy of arranging his entire fleet horizontally in the middle with no empty rows between the ships: 80 

Number of seconds of awkward silence after Dustin said, "Hey, whoa, you can't come in here and pull your cock out," after Neesha entered the Children's Hospital playroom, reached into her bag, and presented Phin with a stuffed toy rooster: 5

Ratio of people in the room, including Dustin, who were amused when Phin's concern about his bandage peeling up was judged to be unwarranted by his nurse, Frankie, which prompted Dustin to blurt out, "Frankie says relax": 1:2  

Portion of doctors, nurses, patients, and med students present who even acknowledged that anything had been said when, one morning during rounds, the attending physician remarked that Phin's room with its many stuffed animals looked like something out of the film Zootopia, and Dustin said, "This isn't Zootopia. It's Zookemia": 1/6

Percentage of leukemia in Phin's bone marrow at the end of round 2: < 1%

Probability that Phin will still need to complete all of his scheduled rounds of chemotherapy and count recovery: 100%