Dustin's Phindex, Month One

[March-April, 2022]

Dustin's Phindex

Units Phin received of blood: 7

Of platelets: 8

Sedations: 3

Consecutive days of chemotherapy: 10

Spinal taps: 1

Biopsies: 1

Bone marrow aspirations: 1

Bandage changes: 11

IV pokes: 3

Incidents when medical doctors who introduced themselves as “Dr. _______”

prompted Dustin to reflexively introduce himself himself as “Dr. Michael”: 3  Number of times Dustin reminded himself that, in the hospital setting, introducing oneself as "doctor"

is meant to be reassuring and to inspire confidence, as opposed to being some kind of passive aggressive

academia weird flex to indicate that one doesn't want to be friends with somebody one works with: 7

Number of times Dustin was mistaken for a medical doctor in the hospital parking lot: 1

Number of times Dustin was compelled to clarify, in the hospital parking lot, that he was in fact not

a medical doctor, only a dad: 1

Number of times someone who mistook Dustin for a medical doctor and thanked him for his hard work

revised her statement to instead thank him for being a dad: 1

Number of times Dustin informed someone that Phin has leukemia and then apologized

for Phin having leukemia: 5

And then apologized for apologizing: 4

Number of online classes taught from Phin’s hospital room that were briefly interrupted by Phin whacking

Dustin in the eye with a paddle ball: 1

Number of times Dustin logged out of teaching online from Phin’s hospital room, looked at Phin with

his uninjured eye, and said, “Unless you want to see what a real threat to your life looks like, you'd better hand over that paddle ball by the time I count to three....”: 1

Number of Starbucks sausage egg and cheese biscuits consumed by Phin: 15 Number of UberEats orders placed from Phin's hospital room: 14 Incidents involving Neesha sprinting all over the hospital in pursuit of an errant UberEats delivery driver: 1

Number of elapsed days between Phin seeing his sisters, grandparents, and any other outside friends or relatives in person, other than his mother and father: 23

Percentage of Michael/Navare family members with June 1 birthdays who are currently battling cancer: 100%

Ratio of genie wishes Phin says he would use to see animals: 3:3

To cure acute myeloid leukemia: 0:3

Number of victories in Phin’s nightly orange juice (that secretly has medicine in it) chugging contest won by Dustin, Neesha, or any of his nurses: 0

Percentage of the pediatric specialties chemo-certified nursing team that Phin has pranked with a rubber snake: 50%

Change in the Michael home's Zillow estimate since the Longs took over yard work and landscaping to help after Phin's diagnosis in late March: +$10,380

Number of days prior to Phin’s diagnosis that Dustin can remember having warmed food on plastic servingware in the microwave because he thought that doing so might cause cancer: 0

Number of days he’s microwaved food in plastic servingware since Phin's diagnosis: >15

Number of seasons Phin has binge-watched of Wild Kratts: 6

Of Muppet Babies: 3

Of Blues Clues and You: 2 Of Spidey and His Amazing Friends: 1

Puzzles completed: 6 Books read, or partially read: 10

Blanket forts constructed: 1

Factor by which Easter egg hunts exceeded tours of parked helicopters: 2

Estimated percentage of urinations after which Phin accurately reported the amount of urine

he produced (within 25 mL) without looking: 80%

Largest measured amount of urine Phin produced in a single urination event: 350 mL

Largest measured amount Dustin produced: 300 mL